A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Banking
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Some Blonde Jokes
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick walls only been laid once
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks Home
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
A: So she knows what lips to whipe!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick walls only been laid once
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks Home
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
A: So she knows what lips to whipe!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Which doesn't belong?
Which of the following doesn’t belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blow job
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob!
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Alien Abduction
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Only in the Navy
This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
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