A deal is a deal

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID...' BRING POSSE'"

Pakistani jokes

Three guys, a Pakistani, a Srilankan and an Indian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes totally" says the Genie. The Srilankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Srilanka was made permanently fertile for farming. The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no Indian can come into our sacred country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan. The Indian remains calm in spite of the Pakistani's blatant insult. The genie then asks him, "Well what is your wish?" The Indian says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds pakistan. Nothing can get in or out." The Indian says, "All right then, fill it up with water."


A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The old woman is thinking: That Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Pakistani guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Indian guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Pakistani guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Indian is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani guy again." 

Wife's trick question gets witty reply from Husband

Wife asks husband,


"How many women have you slept with?"


Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

She just wants to be held!

She Just Wants to be Held I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?!?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Angry Husband

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I actually did once."

"And how did your husband look?"

"Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

"Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

Two ladies and a statue

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

Little Tony on English

Little Tony on English

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Condom over Organ

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. 

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

两口子吵架

半夜两点被咣咣敲门声和骂街声吵醒，吵得很激烈，半天才听出是对门两口子吵架，尼玛，可是只有女人的声音，那气势我还以为是来寻仇的。过一会她过来敲我家门，我妈打开门发现一赤果果的身体，就只穿内衣内裤了，没错，她被她老公关门外头了，她说要借手机，我妈借她，她果断打电话给**叔叔说她老公不让进门，**叔叔说这事管不了。。。。然后我妈妈实在看不下去就敲她家门跟她老公说有啥事等明天说吧，先让她进去什么的，。。。结果她老公在门那边弱弱的说，，。她要是不打我我就让她进来。。。。。。

Business partnership

These three men went into business together and the first one said:

"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."

"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"

"It means what when I want your f*cking advice, I'll whistle."

Sex face

A Panda walks into a bar.......

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

A guy walks into a bar......

http://youtu.be/_kkpm31cbQg

Dating Requirements

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time
to get married again. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or
legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

What time does to you!

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Tarzan & Jane

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Little Johnny Knows it All

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Baywatch

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley

Redhead jokes

Q:What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes? 
A: An interpreter.   

Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead? 
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.   

Q: How do you know a redhead likes you? 
A: She has your girlfriend thrown in jail and camps out in your yard.   

Q: Do you know why Blondes have more fun? 
A: Because there is not enough Red Heads around.   If you love a Redhead, set her free … If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.   

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? 
A: She has scratched “stay off MY TURF!” on his back with her nails.   

Q: What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? 
A: Men always miss them.   

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? 
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl   

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? 
A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor   Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.   

Q: What do redheads and McDonald’s have in common? 
A: You’ve never had it so good and so fast.   

Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a pirahna? 
A: The pirahna. They only attack in schools.   

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you? 
A: Say something like “I’m one of those males who love redheads”   

Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? 
A: Wait 10 seconds   

Q: Why aren’t there any more redhead jokes? 
A: Someone told them to a redhead. 

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? 
A: A redhead !