A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Monday, October 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Hurricane and palm tree
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Logic of Drinking....
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs.
Lady: How much per six pack?
Man: about $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs.
Lady: How much per six pack?
Man: about $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Car accident
Two guys get into a nasty car accident.
Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, one guy says,. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Guy replied, "I totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" He went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the other who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the other. The guy takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to him. The other asks, "Aren't
you having any?"
The Guy replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the fuckin police..."
Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, one guy says,. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Guy replied, "I totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" He went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the other who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the other. The guy takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to him. The other asks, "Aren't
you having any?"
The Guy replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the fuckin police..."
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
My wife left me
When my wife left me, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work!!..
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work!!..
Friday, May 2, 2014
Conversation between police and lady of the night
1.警察：干什么的，这么晚在街上游荡！
小姐： 妓者！
警察肃然起敬，一阵崇拜！
警察：哪个报社的？
小姐：晚抱！
警察：哪个晚报的？
小姐：和男晚抱！
警察：河南晚报不错！
小姐：这事只有晚上敢搞！
警察：晚上赶稿确实辛苦！要多注意身体！
小姐：谢谢警察大哥理解，欢迎来搞！
警察：好的。一定来稿！一定来稿！
Monday, April 28, 2014
Bikers
A man was eating in a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles
Sunday, April 27, 2014
An inch shorter !
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
Monday, April 14, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Pet Monkey in a bar....
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
Electric Sex
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Heaven all night
There was this young woman who wanted to become a nun, so she went to church to speak to a nun,
The nun told her in order to become a nun you must go up stairs and draw Father Matthews bath water, and bring him his slippers.
The woman than went up stairs met Father Matthew
She asked him "Oh! father whats that?" ,
The father said "That’s my golden key!"
Then father said "How about I stick my golden key in you’re pearly gates and we can go to heaven all night?"
The woman than said "Oh yes father I would love to go to heaven for the night."
The next morning the woman went down stairs and the nun asked her how was you’re night with Father Matthew.
The woman said it was wonderful he put his golden key in my pearly gates and we went to heaven all night.
The nun said "That bastard!.... he's been telling me it was gabriels horn and i’ve been blowing it...."
The nun told her in order to become a nun you must go up stairs and draw Father Matthews bath water, and bring him his slippers.
The woman than went up stairs met Father Matthew
She asked him "Oh! father whats that?" ,
The father said "That’s my golden key!"
Then father said "How about I stick my golden key in you’re pearly gates and we can go to heaven all night?"
The woman than said "Oh yes father I would love to go to heaven for the night."
The next morning the woman went down stairs and the nun asked her how was you’re night with Father Matthew.
The woman said it was wonderful he put his golden key in my pearly gates and we went to heaven all night.
The nun said "That bastard!.... he's been telling me it was gabriels horn and i’ve been blowing it...."
Friday, March 28, 2014
A deal is a deal
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"
Monday, March 24, 2014
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID...' BRING POSSE'"
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID...' BRING POSSE'"
Monday, March 17, 2014
Pakistani jokes
Three guys, a Pakistani, a Srilankan and an Indian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes totally" says the Genie. The Srilankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Srilanka was made permanently fertile for farming. The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no Indian can come into our sacred country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan. The Indian remains calm in spite of the Pakistani's blatant insult. The genie then asks him, "Well what is your wish?" The Indian says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds pakistan. Nothing can get in or out." The Indian says, "All right then, fill it up with water."
A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The old woman is thinking: That Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Pakistani guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Indian guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Pakistani guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Indian is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani guy again."
A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The old woman is thinking: That Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Pakistani guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Indian guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Pakistani guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Indian is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani guy again."
Wife's trick question gets witty reply from Husband
Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
She just wants to be held!
|
Angry Husband
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?"
"Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
"Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Two ladies and a statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Little Tony on English
Little Tony on English
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Condom over Organ
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
两口子吵架
半夜两点被咣咣敲门声和骂街声吵醒，吵得很激烈，半天才听出是对门两口子吵架，尼玛，可是只有女人的声音，那气势我还以为是来寻仇的。过一会她过来敲我家门，我妈打开门发现一赤果果的身体，就只穿内衣内裤了，没错，她被她老公关门外头了，她说要借手机，我妈借她，她果断打电话给**叔叔说她老公不让进门，**叔叔说这事管不了。。。。然后我妈妈实在看不下去就敲她家门跟她老公说有啥事等明天说吧，先让她进去什么的，。。。结果她老公在门那边弱弱的说，，。她要是不打我我就让她进来。。。。。。
Business partnership
These three men went into business together and the first one said:
"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your f*cking advice, I'll whistle."
"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your f*cking advice, I'll whistle."
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
A Panda walks into a bar.......
A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Dating Requirements
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time
to get married again. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or
legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
to get married again. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or
legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
What time does to you!
A man
and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife
asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tarzan & Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Little Johnny Knows it All
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
Redhead jokes
Q:What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: How do you know a redhead likes you?
A: She has your girlfriend thrown in jail and camps out in your yard.
Q: Do you know why Blondes have more fun?
A: Because there is not enough Red Heads around. If you love a Redhead, set her free … If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.
Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched “stay off MY TURF!” on his back with her nails.
Q: What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl
Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Q: What do redheads and McDonald’s have in common?
A: You’ve never had it so good and so fast.
Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a pirahna?
A: The pirahna. They only attack in schools.
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something like “I’m one of those males who love redheads”
Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds
Q: Why aren’t there any more redhead jokes?
A: Someone told them to a redhead.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead !
A: An interpreter.
Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: How do you know a redhead likes you?
A: She has your girlfriend thrown in jail and camps out in your yard.
Q: Do you know why Blondes have more fun?
A: Because there is not enough Red Heads around. If you love a Redhead, set her free … If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.
Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched “stay off MY TURF!” on his back with her nails.
Q: What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl
Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Q: What do redheads and McDonald’s have in common?
A: You’ve never had it so good and so fast.
Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a pirahna?
A: The pirahna. They only attack in schools.
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something like “I’m one of those males who love redheads”
Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds
Q: Why aren’t there any more redhead jokes?
A: Someone told them to a redhead.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead !
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Alligator in a bar Joke
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
Banking
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Some Blonde Jokes
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick walls only been laid once
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks Home
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
A: So she knows what lips to whipe!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick walls only been laid once
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks Home
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
A: So she knows what lips to whipe!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Which doesn't belong?
Which of the following doesn’t belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blow job
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob!
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Alien Abduction
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Only in the Navy
This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
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